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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29484753">Before I Go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Hwang/pseuds/J_Hwang'>J_Hwang</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Death, Giving up on life, Heavy Angst, Hospital, Illness, Pain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:20:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,078</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29484753</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Hwang/pseuds/J_Hwang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I am sorry, I love you guys, and goodbye.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Before I Go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Can you take me to the rooftop?” I ask weakly, smiling faintly at the women sitting beside me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looks at me, sadness reflecting on her eyes, but she forces out a weak smile and nods her head. I know she is not willing, but she still listens. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gahyeon…” I call for her name. We were inside an elevator going up to the hospital rooftop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hummed, asking me if I needed something, and I weakly answered, “Can you please call the girls?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few moments of silence, only the whirring sound of a moving elevator could be heard. ‘Ding’ a sound indicating we reached our destination floor, and before the door opened Gahyeon answered with a very soft whisper “Okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>**********</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She pushed my wheelchair until we reached the edge of the rooftop, of course with tall fences around it. Having to stay at a big hospital, the view from the rooftop is very pretty too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Looking at the sky, light blue clear sky, birds flying by. Oh, how I wish I could fly freely like that too. But no, this body of mine begged to differ. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The weather was clear today, not too windy, not too hot. I close my eyes, oh how I wish I could live long enough to enjoy life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Opening my eyes, I once again look up to the sky, then down to the hospital parks, watching families that came to visit their loved one talking to each other, laughing, kids running. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wonder what it is like out there, outside this hospital ground. It’s been too long since I am locked inside this place. Oh, how I want to see the world when I stop breathing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I feel a hand stroking my face, oh, I didn’t realize my tears falling, when did I cry? Gahyeon softly wiping away the tears on my face, looking at me softly while squatting beside me. One hand holding mine, and I also use my other hand to hold hers that’s sitting on my face, leaning into it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go back, it’s getting chill.” Gahyeon said softly after a while, pushing my wheelchair along when she received a nod from me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>**********</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we get back to my ward, Gahyeon makes a phone call to our friends. 7 girls that’s always so precious to me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Minji, the older out of us, owns a bakery downtown. Bora, the second older, owns a dance studio. Siyeon, my same age friend, she is a singer, always away for touring but she will always show up whenever I tell her I want to see her. “You are more important than my tour.” She always said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then there’s Yoohyeon and Yubin, the same age couple, owning a game company. They develop their own games and are very well known. The power couple I said. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Handong, the other foreigner in our small circle of friends, she is a musical actress, very successful one, and also the richest out of all if I might say. She is also the one helping with covering for my hospital bills. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then lastly, Gahyeon, the youngest and the love of my life. But no, she will never know that fact. What is the use of telling her anyway? When I don’t have that much time on my hand. But even until the end of my life Gahyeon will always be the special one. Pst, don’t tell the other girls~ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We talk for a while, I am too weak to stay awake for long and I hate that side of me. The girls tell me that they are going to visit as soon as possible, I don’t blame them. Being CEOs was not easy, each owns their own business, busy with their own life, but they always make sure to come and see me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you wanna see me, better hurry, cause I am leaving soon.” I said weakly, only for them to scold me, a never ending scolding. And also a scary glare from Gahyeon. But I only weakly smiled, and they told me not to joke around like that. But, oh, if only they knew I am not joking around this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>**********</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was night time, Gahyeon left to go home. She needs to take some new clothes and also her books because her class starts soon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stare at the ceilings, salty tears falling on my cheek. I smile weakly, and I feel it. My head is throbbing, but I am too weak to do anything about it. This is what years long illness does to you. I know I am not okay, nothing could save me. There’s no way out for me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“20% chance, that is all we can say.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> I overheard the doctor talking to the girls one day, they thought I was asleep but no, I was wide awake pretending to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sitting up, tears dried up, I picked up notes and pen from the bedside. Weakly write down short letters, because I don’t have enough energy to think and write something long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finishing the letter, I set it down on the bedside, taking one last glance hoping the girls could understand what was written on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laid back down, closing my eyes, my hand reached out to the only things that could keep me alive. One hand on my heart, clenching on my shirts I push the button. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>OFF</strong>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The red lighting button turned off. Sound of my heart beat slowed down, and soon I felt light, I felt like I was floating. And I felt at peace. No more pain, no more suffering. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am sorry </span>
  </em>
  <span>I whispered one last time before I rest forever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>**********</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am tired. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>10 years, uncounted surgery, therapy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>How many pills? Hundreds? Thousands? I lost count.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am tired, I cannot bear it anymore.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am always thankful for everything you guys have ever done for me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Staying by my side, never once you guys break your promises.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But today, I am going to be the one breaking our promise. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I promise to stay strong, to hold on until the end, but…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am too tired. I want to rest, I cannot hold it anymore.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know my chance is low, I heard it when you guys talk to the doctor. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t want to hold onto an impossible hope. So let me rest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This way too you guys will have one less burden in your life.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I am sorry, I love you guys, and goodbye.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
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